Lizard People
A play about chaos and conspiracy
This short play is part of the NOISE/QUIET cycle. If you are just joining, I recommend starting at the beginning with Overture: Sound Collage Collapse which can be read here. If you are returning and want to remember the play that came before this in the cycle, you can read End of the Hunt here.
As I was assembling NOISE/QUIET, I saw a glaring problem: I had three two-person plays in a row followed by two plays with seven or more characters. That imbalance wouldn’t work—if the audience acclimates to intimate two-handers, they’ll be thrown when suddenly a cast of ten appears halfway through the performance. I needed to place an ensemble piece earlier in the cycle to prepare them for shifts in scale.
At first, I thought I could just move one of the existing ensemble pieces earlier. But those plays are climactic—they drive toward conclusions and couldn’t work in the third slot.
If I couldn’t rearrange what I’d already written, I needed to write a new third play with a larger cast. So I asked myself: what do I want the audience to experience at this point? I’ve already given them a realistic drama followed by an absurdist piece with a harrowing ending. I need something that lifts them up with humor.
With that clarity, I thought: what would be funny?
The answer leapt out: Lizard People!
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Lizard People
A secret strategy bunker. Dim lighting. The sound of excited talking, eating, milling around before the meeting begins.
JOY: Alright, alright. I need everyone’s attention. Attention. Sonny! Stop eating those grubs, I’m starting the meeting.
SONNY: Sorry Joy!
JOY: Let me get my glasses on so I can read this. (She puts on glasses. Reads) “This is an official top-secret strategic meeting of the Association of Lizard People United in World Domination. Our mission is…” wait, where’s Brian?
GRACE: Probably still in bed—lazy fuck.
SONNY: He’s in the can.
JOY: (Yelling to offstage) Brian! Let’s go! I’m starting the meeting!
BRIAN: (Offstage) I’m coming! (The sound of a toilet flushing.)
BRIAN enters.
BRIAN: Which one a yous shed your skin all over the john?
SONNY: Don’t look at me.
BRIAN: It’s a different kind a shit-show in there.
GRACE: Hey! You know how itchy it gets when you’re molting. When you gotta shed, you gotta shed.
BRIAN: Classy. How the fuck did you end up with a name like Grace?
GRACE: Ask your mother… unless she’s too busy decorating the town with her rotten eggs and bad decisions.
BRIAN: My mother never showed up to work looking like an iguana who just discovered lipstick.
SONNY: Ha! He got you there Grace.
GRACE: I’d bite you but I left my venom in your boyfriend’s ass.
JOY: Grace! Enough!
GRACE: Me? (Indicates BRIAN then SONNY) This one loafs around while that one feeds his face.
JOY: Are you a tattle-tale Grace?
GRACE: What? Nobody around here takes me seriously! Unlike Brian, I actually contribute to this outfit. I got ideas. I got smarts.
BRIAN: You got a brain the size of a pea.
GRACE: And you got a beer belly the size of two tow trucks.
BRIAN (Burps.)
JOY: Enough. I need you all to focus.
SONNY: Sorry Joy. (Eats a grub)
JOY: Sonny, put the grubs down!
SONNY sheepishly obeys.
JOY: Now, first line of business. To date, the master scheme is working as planned. Humans can’t agree as to whether or not we exist.
GRACE: They think we’re a “conspiracy theory.”
They ALL laugh.
JOY: Exactly. But we have to keep our cover. If the humans find out we’re real, our plan for world domination is kaput. We gotta come up with a phony conspiracy theory to distract them while we get on with the business of taking control. So, who’s got a pitch?
BRIAN: Why spend time wracking our brains? Let’s re-use an oldie but a goodie—something involving another pizza joint.
GRACE: That was a hot mess.
SONNY: It worked good for a while.
GRACE: Until that idiot showed up with an assault rifle.
JOY: We need a distraction, not a blood bath.
GRACE: It could be a sex scandal…
BRIAN: Or fiscal funny business…
SONNY: Or contagious stigmata…
GRACE: We could blame the CIA…
BRIAN: Or aliens..
SONNY: Or the pope!
JOY: Those have all been done to death. We need something new.
GRACE: (Lights up thinking her idea is brilliant) I got it! What about something like this: toxic Botox injections that explode your face?
BRIAN: Your area of expertise?
GRACE: It’s a new business. My first customer was your mother.
JOY: Stop! We need a conspiracy theory shocking enough to take over several news cycles.
They think.
BRIAN: A Satanic cult that controls Hollywood?
GRACE: That’s not shocking. Besides, is it a theory or is it the truth?
JOY: Grace!
GRACE: What? How else do you explain Method Acting? Nobody gets that deep into character without a few dark rituals.
JOY: I see your point. But that Hollywood conspiracy was already spread by the Illuminati.
GRACE: Ah fuck them! Those old-ass monks always beat us to the punch.
SONNY: What about something with grubs?
JOY: Sonny no! And for the last time put those grubs down!
SONNY: OK. (Puts grubs away. He thinks) What about something with Grub Hub?
JOY: No! No grubs, no Grub Hub, nothing with grubs or hubs. What kind of evil masterminds are you lizards?
BRIAN: (Looking at phone) Hey Joy! Did you see this?
JOY: Brian! Are you scrolling social media in the middle of a meeting?
BRIAN: It’s called internet research Joy.
GRACE: The only research he’s doing on the internet is a deep dive into amphibian porn.
BRIAN: Oh yeah? Well, Miss smarty pants, look at what my deep dive just surfaced.
JOY: (Takes BRIAN’s phone.) Gimme. (Annoyed) What is that? (Looking closer, amazed:) Oh my god!
SONNY and GRACE get up and look at BRIAN’s phone as JOY holds it.
GRACE: (Disgusted) Ewe… is that true?
SONNY: See if they’re talking about it on the news.
JOY: (She looks) It is on the news. Mother of Christ! That is insane!
BRIAN: And it’s spreading like wildfire.
GRACE: (Looking at phone) SHIT!
JOY: What?
GRACE: It just got fact checked!
ALL: Oh no!
JOY: Clever! Show humans facts that debunk a conspiracy theory and they believe it more. Somebody deployed a fact-checker. That’s good… very good. Whoever’s behind this conspiracy theory is a true expert.
SONNY: Who IS behind it?
GRACE: Who? I’ll tell you who. It’s those Illuminati geezers that’s who. They’re up to something more than Gregorian chants.
BRIAN: This story is so insane it’s going to take up the news for weeks. Whatever they’re doing, they’re going to get it done while the humans fight over this.
JOY: And they will get control for sure.
BRIAN: Dammit!
GRACE: Illuminati scum bags.
JOY: They finally beat us.
SONNY: Does this mean we can break for lunch? (Begins to take out grubs.)
JOY: Sonny! Put. That. Down!
SONNY: Sorry.
JOY’s phone rings. VOICE OVER “Incoming call from Illuminati 5.”
BRIAN: Oh no, not those cloistered freaks!
SONNY: What do they want?
GRACE: To rub it in our snouts! Those sick fucks!
JOY: Shut up! Be quiet and let me take this call. If this is the end, I want to go down with some dignity.
JOY answers. We see ILLUMINATI 5, his face is covered with a cowl. ILLUMINATI 5 speaks in a Gregorian chant-like way.
JOY: (Answers phone) Yeah?
ILLUMINATI 5: (In the style of a Gregorian chant) Liiiiiiiiiiiizard Peeeeeeople. This is Illuminaaaaaati caaaaaaalliiiiiing.
JOY: Yeah, yeah we know. It’s Lizard Joy here.
ILLUMINATI 5: Hellloooooo Jooooooooy.
JOY: Alright, you got us. We see the news. Those humans are going to be wrapped up in this conspiracy theory for the foreseeable future. So, whatever you’re up to, you’re going to have more than enough time to do it without human interference. You win. So, give it to me straight: what’s your intention for us?
ILLUMINATI 5: (Drops the chant-speak) What? It’s not you? (To other Illuminati) Hey guys, it’s not the lizards!
Offstage confusion as ILLUMINATI 5 discusses with unseen ILLUMINATI.
BRIAN: What happened to the chanting?
SONNY: He just dropped it?
GRACE: It was all an act. I knew it! Those fake-ass monks.
ILLUMINATI 5: Lizard Joy?
JOY: Still here. So wait, you thought it was us?
ILLUMINATI 5: Who else would come up with a conspiracy theory that sick. Deus meus!
GRACE: Hey! We’re not sick, we’re cold-blooded.
ILLUMINATI 5: You eat bugs.
SONNY: Grubs!
ALL LIZARDS: Sonny!
JOY: Let me get this straight, you’re saying this business on the news is not yours?
ILLUMINATI 5: Nope.
JOY: If it’s not you… who’s behind it?
JOY’s phone rings. VOICE OVER “Incoming call from the Deep State”
ALL: Ooooh no!
GRACE: Not those uptight shit-heads!
BRIAN: What are you complaining? It’s the perfect opportunity for you to show off your toxic Botox lizard lift. Maybe you can get a date out of it.
GRACE: (She gets really mad) KISS MY ASS BRIAN! (Screams) Ah shit! My fucking tail fell off!
BRIAN: Now you really can give that Deep State dip shit some tail!
GRACE: FUCK YOU BRIAN! (Picks up her tail and begins to beat BRIAN with it.)
JOY: Hey!!!! Knock it off!!
They stop.
JOY: I’m going to take this call. We can all accept defeat with grace. (Answers phone) Yeah.
DEEP STATE: Lizard People? Agent Clarke with the Deep State.
JOY: Lizard Joy here with my crew, I’ve also got the Illuminati on the line.
ILLUMINATI 5: Hey Steve.
DEEP STATE: Ah Mauricio. Is that you? What happened to the chanting?
ILLUMINATI 5: It gets old. Me paenitet.
DEEP STATE: Ok, this makes more sense now. Lizards plus Illuminati, we should have put that together. Either way, whatever you all have going on over there has obviously surpassed our intelligence capabilities to distract human minds so, we regretfully, but respectfully surrender.
JOY: This business on the news is not yours?
DEEP STATE: No, isn’t it yours?
JOY: No, and it’s not Illuminati either.
DEEP STATE: Mauricio?
ILLUMINATI 5: Non feci.
SONNY: If this is not us, and it’s not Illuminati or Deep State, then who could it be?
GRACE: (Realizing) Oooooh shit! You guys… it’s them!
BRIAN: Them who?
GRACE: Them! The humans. Look closer at what they’re saying.
They ALL look at the phone.
GRACE: See how that conspiracy theory is so sloppy, so emotional, so—
ALL: (Quiet awe) Human.
JOY: It is them. Well, well Grace. You solved the mystery.
GRACE: (To BRIAN) See? I do got smarts—fuck-face.
JOY: I never thought humans would come up with something so utterly stupid and sick.
BRIAN: Hey, they learned from the best! (Burps)
GRACE: We’re experts in hoaxes, why don’t we just expose it?
JOY: That’ll backfire.
GRACE: Backfire?
JOY: The more you expose the lie, the harder they will cling to it. It came from their own imagination, and that makes it irresistible. It will draw them, unite them, give them something to hate, something to fight over…
GRACE: Something to believe in.
JOY: Bingo kiddo!
SONNY: So… they don’t need us anymore?
GRACE: Those bastards put us out of a job!
JOY: No! They put us out of a side job. We’ve been trying to distract these humans with fake conspiracy theories for a long time.
DEEP STATE: Decades.
ILLUMINATI 5: Millenia.
JOY: So… if they finally learned how to distract themselves…
GRACE: (Lights up with excitement) We can get down to the real work.
JOY: What do you say? Lizard People, Illuminati, The Deep State all working together…
ILLUMINATI 5: Unified conquest...
DEEP STATE: Oh that is evil.
They pause to think about it.
DEEP STATE: We’re in.
ILLUMINATI 5: Us too.
JOY: Then it’s settled. Sonny!
SONNY Yeah boss?
JOY: Eat yourself as many grubs as you like, you’re gonna need your strength. (Beat, darker) We’ve waited a long time for an opportunity like this. Now we take everything.
ALL WORLD: DOMINATION!
SONNY: Finally! Mangiamo! (Eats a grub.)
BLACKOUT
The sound of mastermind laughter fades into the white noise sound used in a therapist’s office to ensure privacy.
Playwright’s Note
Costumes for the lizard people should be suggestive rather than literal. The more you can suggest a lizard quality, without putting actors in full lizard drag, the funnier it will be. Perhaps they are dressed like people working in an office but their attire is dark greens and browns. The lizard people will require tails, but it will be funnier if the audience doesn’t see them right away, maybe hold that reveal until Brian comes out of the bathroom. Less is more.
Continue the Cycle
Next: Transference—A play in one session
Transference
This short play is part of the NOISE/QUIET cycle. If you are just joining, I recommend starting at the beginning with Overture: Sound Collage Collapse which can be read here. If you are returning and want to remember the play that came before this in the cycle, you can read
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Funny stuff. I wonder if the audience will do a double take at the line “We can all accept defeat with grace” and expect the character Grace to respond to her name used in the context of defeat ?